Dear Mama, Grieving Is A Process
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are my own and are not a representation of my employers or clients.
Grief (noun) deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.
Unfortunately for everyone, WE all lose someone or something that is dear to our hearts at some point. You see grief happens not because it should take place, it just does. Grief is unapologetic, it comes in different forms and shapes. It can happen in droves- fast, slow, and tragic; yet, eventually it appears. As traumatic as it is to us, it is something that will arrive, we just do not know the time and date. But it comes.
Sting & Shock
On May 2, 2023, I lost my mom, by far it has been the most devastating thing I have encountered during my life cycle. There is no level of training or experience that can describe what you feel when you lose someone or something that is so close to you. My mother taught me everything I know. She was there for me when I needed to vent. She was there when I needed to laugh, cry, eat and so on. And now, she is not where she was when we last spoke. Before we dive into the grieving process let us first understand:
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
You are not responsible for things that are beyond your control.
It will happen to everyone some now, some later, or even after but it will.
The first thing we can talk about is the “sting and shock” phase. It is the moment you receive the bad news. Firstly, there is no way to prepare for it, because before it even happens you are going about your day as you normally would. For those of us who have an ailing loved one you could suspect it; however, sting and shock are still relevant. You freeze, you shake, you yelp, or jump, hit something etc. The initial phase takes you on a journey that you will never forget. For some of us you start piling up the number of losses you have encountered. I was caught up in the last moment we spoke, the last time we hugged, the last time we said, “I Love You.”
Stages of Grief
In 1969 Elizabeth KÜber- Ross wrote a book "On Death And Dying" where she developed the 5 stages of grief which are Denial Anger Bargaining Depression and Acceptance. Ross’ work showed us how a person feels when they lose a loved one. The adjustment phases are crucial to the stakeholders involved and allow you to better understand how to normalize your experience, sort of. I would attest that even if you are able to name it, label it, and explain it; it does not justify how difficult it feels when you are in this process. You can also say that KÜber-Ross’ findings demonstrate that you can feel the sense of loss near the person who is no longer here, while feeling and experiencing the stage findings towards yourself or others. That is what I think makes this process complex, in that, you are trying to piece together several things at the same time; yet, looking to mourn your loss the best that you can, if that makes sense. We will not get into the details of other grief models but there are several stages of grief. For example, 7 stages of grief, 4 phases of grief, Sigmund Freud’ Eros & Thanatos- “the aim of all life is death.”
Whatever It Takes
I will spare everyone a super lengthy breakdown of how the processes correlate how to do this vs. that. I prefer to say, just try everything you can to help yourself during this process except going for substances to help coping or healing. That is the only factor that prolongs this and makes it extremely difficult to get out of. In short, don't use drugs during grieving. One of my challenges with losing my mom came from missing our rituals. For example, having coffee together in person or over the phone. Getting direct advice on world problems. Or getting cooking tips from the World’s Greatest. In general, the gloves are off here, but I will share what I have tried to help me get past her loss.
Don’t Change A Thing:
Now that my biggest supporter is gone, I vowed to work around her loss by not stopping anything or changing anything because she is gone. Therefore, I make believe she is on vacation and put in my head that she asked me to continue to complete my task until we meet again. Staying busy and keeping focused helps me with the acceptance and denial sections of this. However, be mindful don't over do it as burnout and depression in the form of defeat may surface. So be effective yet, do enough to keep “You” challenged and occupied.
Support System “Where You At”
The toughest part of my mourning process is learning to be more reliant on my support systems than I have in the past. I learned that bargaining with myself is not the correct thing to do, especially when there are so many people and pets who can help me with the support side of things. Call a friend, call your kids, call family, call for help, which is the key. And be kind to yourself; If I feel depressed that is ok too. Grieving is not linear, neither is this process.
Stay Motivated
One of the unusual things about this progression is the inability to control and regulate your emotions during random times of the day. For me anger has been the headliner of this cycle. Not that I feel mad, but I feel motivated with anger to get everything accomplished to make my mom proud. What has been helpful with these adrenaline spurts is that I have guided those emotions towards being more productive: at work, self-care, and most importantly “The He’s Just Movement.” However, I need Your HELP so that I can make it through this! We Are Strong As Individuals, But Unstoppable When We Unite.
Self-Care
Finding more time to get more self-care for myself, is something that I do for both work and play. Whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual; I make sure I give myself space and grace daily so that I remain aligned and recharged. However, during my grieving process, I feel like I need to be more deliberate, intentional, and ready to practice working on my self-care tools more than ever. There is no rhyme or reason on how you do this, just be ready to give yourself a break when you need to. Try new things that will keep you challenged. Look for laughter with family, friends, or memes. Just laugh more, it will do you some good. Writing has become an effective way to help me feel better too. It soothes me and lets my mom know what I am feeling and thinking.
Dear Mama,
I am taking this opportunity to thank you for so many things. My eyes water as I type, but it is because you were so good to me. You showed me how to be a leader. You taught me about being a fighter. I am so proud of you mom, even without an education you worked your butt off to provide for your 7 children with and without a man in the house. You taught me about being humble, and not getting rattled when trouble approaches. By the way, I have some questions for you MA, if you have a moment. How does it feel ruling up in the heavens? How is heaven? Have you got to meet G yet? How many people are up there? What are you wearing, is everybody wearing white? Are you that shining star I keep seeing at night that twinkles whenever I look up in the sky? Miss you mama, call you later.
Same Bat Time Same Bat Channel
References:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grief
https://www.ekrfoundation.org/elisabeth-kubler-ross/biography/
https://www.ekrfoundation.org/5-stages-of-grief/on-death-and-dying/
